6/10 TOTAL BELLAS REPORT by Sarah K (Ep. 11): The episode with the gender reveal for Nikki and Artem and the decision not to know the gender of Brie and Bryan’s baby
SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)…
TOTAL BELLAS (Season 6, Episode 11)
JUNE 10, 2020
AIRED ON E!
There was a severe thunderstorm yesterday, and the power is still out at my workplace, so I get to watch this live. Yeah, I’m not excited about that either. BTW, I had no idea that during last week’s episode I was really supposed to wonder whether or not Nikki Bella would say yes. No, that was not worth an hour of my time. So, tonight we’re going to learn that Nikki has a gender reveal party and Bryan is one of those weird idiots who thinks discovering the sex of the baby should be a surprise.
The show opens with a recap, as if any of this needs to be recapped. So, Brie is pregnant, and Nikki and Artem are getting married. Nikki takes a pregnancy test and it’s positive. She shares it with Artem who isn’t entirely convinced that the pregnancy test is real. Oh great, there’s going to be 45 minutes of this “what it means to my career to be a mom” crap before we get to the 16 seconds at the end of the show where we get a gender reveal. My guess is boy for Nikki, girl for Brie. Anyway, Brie doesn’t seem to be delighted that Nikki is pregnant. Nikki isn’t delighted that Brie isn’t delighted. Nikki goes in for an ultrasound. They get that awkward ultrasound picture which every grown woman then has to pretend is a great image to look at when shown. Yeah, looking at an ultrasound screen shot is about as exciting as seeing someone’s dental x-rays.
There’s a montage of footage of Brie and Nikki announcing their pregnancies. Anyway, Nikki, Artem, Brie, Bryan, and Birdie meet at Nikki’s house for food. Oh, wow, Artem wants a girl. Nikki wants to do a dual gender reveal. Bryan introduces the idea of not finding out the gender of the kid until it’s born. Yeah, Bryan is the one who doesn’t want to know the kid’s gender. Bryan doesn’t want to know. “You and I have spoken for hours about how we want a surprise,” says Bryan of his wife with the IQ of 99 who seems like someone who would cotton to his suggestions just to please him. Oh, Christ, Brie and Nikki are in a car together; do you think these pregnant dipshits are wearing the seat belts correctly? Of course not. *sighs* They go shopping for gender reveal party supplies. Apparently it’s supposed to be a big deal that Nikki isn’t wearing the engagement ring. Nikki walks out of the store like a sulky child. Oh, this is not a fascinating plot point. I’m never getting the 10 minutes its going to take to resolve this back.
Nikki bought Artem a sombrero. First world problem, Nikki Bella is too emotionally overwhelmed to pick up a piece of jewelry from a jeweler. Again, not getting that two minutes of my life back. Bryan is in a car with Artem talking about gaining weight during pregnancy. Brie calls; she wants food. Artem mentions that Nikki is having mood swings. In the mean time, Nikki and Brie sit in front of an iMac where Brie could open the email revealing the gender of the baby. Nikki was going to open the email as Bryan walks in with a cauliflower. There’s a reason that sitcoms had writers.
They admit what they were doing. Bryan still insists that Brie really doesn’t want to know what the gender is until the baby is born. So, Bryan really doesn’t want to know. Brie finds out (I presume), and good for her, because you’d have to be a mentally ill whack job to not want to know the sex of the baby you’re about to have. No sane woman wants to decorate a gender neutral baby nursery for a surprise for the birth of a human that is helpless and all time consuming. The point of a nursery is that it’s for the baby – but it’s also for the mother. Anyway, the twins have dinner with Dad. They finally bring up the topic of the book and what happened with the divorce. It’s a weird moment. I’m not sure what was resolved there. Oh, Jesus Christ on a cracker, Nikki thinks her dad should be a motivational speaker. The scene ends with a toast.
Nikki goes shopping for baby clothes. The Mom wants it to be a boy, again; Artem wants a girl. One minute is devoted to explaining that the Mom got Bell’s palsy, so, her face is partially paralyzed. Yeah, they spent an amazingly small amount of time on that. Nikki talks about having commitment issues. Brie and Bryan go in for an ultrasound. Brie acts like it’s going to be a surprise. Oh, I just looked at the clock, there’s ten minutes left for this one minute long gender reveal. Brie is trying to plan that the child will be born a week late, and that Nikki’s baby will be born on time, and somehow that will happen on the same day. Yeah, clock’s ticking and we’re not at this damn party yet. For some reason it looks like Nikki is giving Artem the engagement ring back. Commercial.
Nikki gave the ring back to Artem so that he could give it back to her. I’m not sure why engagement is such a big deal. Two people can be engaged forever before they ever or never get married. Artem puts the ring back on her finger. I am amused that Artem really wants a girl. There’s four minutes left in this show, so it’s time for the party. It’s a Mexican-themed party. There is a Mariachi band. Final two minutes of the show. The crowd counts down from ten. The confetti is blue. I was right. I feel sad for Artem. But I was right, and really, that’s what matters.
And just to crush my hope, there will be another season of Total Bellas this fall… you know, the Danielson’s are having a second girl. Y’all better look forward to Bunny or Buggie or Badger Danielson.
RECOMMENDED: 6/3 TOTAL BELLAS REPORT by Sarah K (Ep. 10): The episode with the proposal and the pregnancy test results, plus Bryan’s new haircut debuts